once i saw you but i didnt say hello.

cereal is my sugar packet tonight and i have so much energy i don't know if i can sleep. i need this one to be on a lighter note and i want my nails to be natural again. i feel like they lost something in being painted.

'we can hold him out of the window' she says. 'lets go to mexico and drink corona on the beach and eat whatever the fuck we want.' i wrote about mexico two nights ago you're always in my head. this is like a drug for me and i feel like i need it every night now. i told her about how the pillow cases were stressing me out. i cant remember if the zipper side goes in first or the tag side i said. it stresses me out every time i said with the door open and i was thinking about her in her tube socks. we made a back-up plan in case we failed at life and mexico was the place but we'd have to take the cats.

its like a movie with a split screen and on one side there is me and on the other there is her. she's lying in a hospital bed and im in my bed and we're both on the phone. and we're talking to each other about how sad we are. and how i feel like all of my energy is pouring out of me and into her and how im ok with that. i cant get out of bed and im kicking myself because i need to be strong for her and she's thanking me for the energy. she's reading her writing to me and its beautiful because its real and i can see her there. and she's breaking herself open and she's showing me on paper what's inside. we discuss the movie and how we should probably write it together. she got a sugar rush from a banana and im thinking of how i ate junior mints and cookies today. along with dinner lunch and breakfast. and she barely had fruit and some cottage cheese and that was too much.

i went to target and i picked out all of these things and then i put a lot of them back. on my way to the register im putting things on shelves they dont belong on. im thinking of how she used to do that and how i think i got it from her. like at the last minute i have to decide what i really need. i put back dish soap and i passed on the journal but i wish i would have gotten the journal. there aren't enough places to put all of the things in my head and i wish i had shelves for them. if someone was shopping through the shelves of my thoughts i wonder what they would put back at the last minute and what they would keep.

'its because we're awesome. don't forget that.' someone said that to me once and im not forgetting and don't you either.

and ill keep writing these and ill keep sending you phantom messages into space because i know you would do it for me. you have my support here and one day this will be ok when we're watching it on the big screen. and we'll laugh while we're kicked back in our seats and we're drinking the 40's we snuk in and we're eating the salad we brought in our bags with chopsticks. we will laugh and perhaps we will do a double feature.