none of us are so good.

she.. stares into space. she.. looks out of her window and she looks for those bunnies. every night she stares out of her window and she looks for those bunnies. its only been two times that shes found them. she just stared at them too. but this time she had a smile. this time she clapped her hands just a little. this time she stared at them playing in the snow. in the dark. they just frolicked. like the snow was fun. she knew better. the snow was awful. but she still watched those bunnies. and something about those bunnies made her want to play in the snow too. to think the snow was fun. but she never did. she just stared at the snow from her window and she just thought about how awful it was. how much she hated it. and she stayed inside and she laid in her bed until the snow cleared. all winter she just left life she just quit it. she just laid in bed and didnt eat much. didnt work much. didnt write much. she just stared and thought. stared at the walls and thought about the bunnies. and one time when she did go out she went to the comic book store and she bought the only book she saw with a bunny on the cover. she liked that book.

sometimes when she went out she tried to draw. she wasn't so good at that. but she brought colored pencils everywhere. she sat in corners and she colored things. and sometimes something nice would come out. sometimes she would be proud of what she drew and sometimes she would want to show everyone. most times she didnt show it to anyone for fear they might not like it. sometimes she cared a little too much what people thought. sometimes she just felt like people were staring at her. she felt like they hated her and they didnt even know her. that they were judging her. they were staring at her and they were judging her and she was just trying to draw. draw because she didnt know how and she liked to learn things. she considered talking to these people but most times she didnt for fear they might not like her. 'but who are they' she thought. 'who are they not to like me. bastards.' she started to develop an unhealthy dislike for every person she met. for every person she even saw. but its funny because she only wanted to do volunteer work. she only wanted to spend her time helping people. even though most people she didnt like. she considered just helping animals but it seemed a little selfish it seemed a little naive. cuz we're all animals. we're all just trying to survive. some of us just take a little more to survive she guessed.

what she couldnt figure out was what the hell her cause was. what she felt like was being a savior. what she felt like was being a rebel. what she felt like.. was bored most of the time.


thats why her new venture was deciding that she wanted to be a vampire. that she wanted to be a vigilante with a hit list. that she wanted to take out every pig-headed bastard that ran the country. every asshole that exploited women. every dickhead that decided dog-fighting was cool. every piece of shit that thought they had the right to abuse something else. so thats why she made the list. thats why she got a journal and she made that list. a hit list. it was numbered from one to twenty. some numbers included more than one person like number one.. that was pimps. she figured that list would be enough to feed her for at least a few years. but really she figured by the time her list ran out that more dickeaded assholes would have spawned and she could just make a new list. so she could save the world and she could be a cool sexy vampire at the same time. a lady of the night. a monster of the night. a monster that fed on evil. a monster that desired to destroy evil things but in turn relied on their existence.. in order to exist. the maddening circle. the maddening cycle that a hero gets caught in. like a bodhisattva. come back come back come back .. help everyone else reach nirvana. and then when that happens then what do they do. they are reliant on the shortcomings of the people they are trying to save. so whats the beauty of saving anyway.

but she couldnt think about that right now. she had people to save.

she had a mohawk to get. she had a mission. she had to find a vampire to bite her.



what she thought about one night was talking to those bunnies. those little honeys she only saw at night. she saw them once when she visited chicago too. one was just staring at her in the middle of the sidewalk. 'its night little bunnies. its the middle of the city little bunnies' she said. but again she clapped her hands a little. and she smiled. and she stared at them. so what she did was she waited by her window for a few nights. she waited until it snowed a little less when they would come out. she waited until late when those little bunnies would come and they would frolic and they would think no one was watching. when they would run in and out of the little fence behind her apartment with a secret. they would run like had a little secret to bury. like they had one to take back with them. so she just waited. she just waited until that night when she saw them. what she did was she put on some slippers and she creaked down her stairs like some sort of creep and she didnt notice she forgot a jacket until the door closed behind her. she felt the cold air whipping into her pajamas and the chill bumps made the hair on her arms stand up and the hair on her legs grow back.


the hair on her legs grew back from earlier in the day when she shaved them. its not like she had a date or anything so she wasn’t too upset about the lack of smoothness her legs possessed. so she stood on the stoop and she stood still. she just looked at them and she wondered ‘what the hell did I just walk down here for. seriously.’ one of the bunnies stopped its frolicking and it looked her directly in the eyes. she looked directly back. then the bunnys companion, the other bunny, turned and looked her back directly in the eye. it was like a staring contest ‘cept no one was winning cuz no one was looking away. guess that meant no one was losing either.

the dialogue went something like this.. the dialogue went something like her walking into the snow and something like her walking over to the bunnies. something like her being near the fence. something like her talking to the bunnies and something like her waking up in her bed with a red mark on her neck.

something like.

she woke up. she looked around her room. everything felt empty and most things felt bright. she just laid in her bed and she stared at walls. it was like before except this time everything was brighter. this time she felt hungry. and this time oatmeal wouldn’t do. cereal wouldn’t do steak wouldn’t do chocolate wouldn’t do.. nothing would do. there was nothing doing. she needed craved something red. something dark. something breathing.what she did was she got up. she got out of her bed and she walked outside. this time she didn’t notice the hair growing back on her legs. she didn’t notice the chill. she just walked and she kept walking. she walked past that fence with the bunnies and she walked past the street. she walked right into the trees. she walked right into them like she was going somewhere. like there was somewhere she needed to be. she walked through the trees and she walked in the snow and her bare feet sunk the three inches to the ground. she never felt that.

she never felt. she was numb. inside and out and she just sat. she just sat in the clearing between the trees. in the middle of all the trees and she stared up. past the trees and the sky and she just stared up. the snow was melting into the shape of her body around her and her legs were turning blue but she never knew. her hands had no feeling but she didn’t know cuz she couldn’t feel them anyway. when her head weighed too much she laid back making a snow angel. but she never moved so it never had wings. nothing ached and nothing bled. she stared up and her eyes were glassy they were frozen and there was a very clear smile on her face. she had peace. she had fangs. she stared up and she noticed the rumble in her tummy. rushing through her like what used to be her blood. dragging her. pulling her. controlling her. she felt high. she felt powerful. nothing held her anymore. she was lying in the snow and she was smirking. she was laughing. she could do anything she wanted. she could control anyone.

she laid there writhing in the snow with her gown tossed beside her. she felt beautiful. she felt the ground on every part of her and she laughed. she grabbed the hit list out of the pocket in her gown and she shredded it and she laughed.